Roy G Biv

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eventually my time at the shoreline came to an end. I no longer needed to run from myself, from the abomination – as it was called. A handful of family members now knew about this part of me. I had a foot out of the closet. Something was welling up inside of me and I knew I would be okay. That’s when I met Roy G Biv.

 

If Pinocchio had Jiminy Cricket, I had Roy. G Biv. I will use the “he” pronoun but he was neither female or male. He was this very attractive, colorful, vibrant and loud being. Fearless and carefree. He was the opposite of who I was. He pulled me out of the closet and helped me accept the fact, that the abomination was nothing to be afraid of. It was just a part of me and it made me special. I started to come out to my friends. I started to become louder and more colorful just like him. I wasn’t afraid of self- expression or ashamed of the new friends I had begun to make, some of whom were more colorful than myself. Roy G Biv was the Sasha Fierce to my Beyonce. He gave me a beat, he brought out my rhythm and I found my groove. My last two years of high school was a blast, considering I was a gay boy in a predominantly Mormon community. Still, I could not wait to get out and finally show my true colors to the world.

 

A 1 ½ half hour drive is all it takes to get from Kahuku to Manoa, on a good day. Manoa is about 40 miles away, which is not very far to most people. But to me, a small town and very sheltered boy, this was epic. This was the city and it was the furthest from my family and smaller-minded people that I could get at that moment( no offense). I listed my major as biology, I moved into my dorm and everyone thought I was going to become a successful college graduate. Honestly, I just wanted to be free. Roy could not stand the town I grew up in. It was offensive. I was out to some people, but not my parents. Parents knew, I was sure, but I never spoke it. It was easier to just be far away, on the other side of the island. I needed to breathe! So, I exhaled the biggest sigh of relief, the day I moved in to the dormitory.

 

Making friends over night was the best feeling in the world. It was so easy now that I embraced all that Roy G Biv brought to my life. I didn’t have to come out to anyone, they just knew the moment they called me friend. It was the greatest and most gratifying feeling in the world. I was finally so alive. It happened very quickly, from the start of my freshmen year in college to the point I lost interest in school. Class was in session, but it wasn’t Algebra or English 100. I wanted to learn and experience as much as I could about who I was. I was so naïve and incredibly fresh to this world. Roy, I thought was the angel on my shoulder telling me to push the limits and try new things. So I did.

 

When I was 17 years old, I had a major moment with God alone. I knew that according to the bible, the lifestyle I would live was not in alignment to His will. He was always my first love and it felt like I was going to say Good bye. I promised to Him, to keep my virginity until I met someone worth marrying even if it wasn’t allowed. It was the most I could do for Him. It was always my plan and my agreement. It was inspired by choices I knew or at least thought, my mother made before marrying my dad. I didn’t understand why he would allow me to be this way if it was against his will, but I would try and honor Him as much as possible.

 

Everyone wants love, right? My friends were shacking up with their boyfriends or girlfriends. People got married and I would often listen to the stories of other people’s sexual encounters. Almost everyone had a story, except for me. I didn’t even make it up to bat yet, much less hit a homerun. I had no intention of running all the bases, like I said. So here I was, at 18 years old and carrying on with a gentleman I met online. I was so naïve, I thought this was love. Our first encounter in person unwrapped so quickly that I didn’t even know what was going on. Roy was there pushing me on. You only live once Josh! First base, check. Second base, check. Third base, okay. Sliding into home base, NO! Stop!

 

The moment you feel your innocence leave your body forcefully is painful.

 

I was able to stop him from continuing and I left immediately. But it was to late. I drove to my dormitory heaving inside. I could not stop crying. I felt so dirty. I jumped into the shower, I brushed my teeth 3 times. I gargled with Listerine until my mouth was on fire. I grabbed my bible and I went to the roof top where I just unloaded every bit of liquid I had left in my tear ducts. This was not what I imagined. My friends found me, they figured out that something had happened by the way I ran pass them downstairs. They knew where I went and when I came back looking the way I did, they knew it wasn’t right. Roy G Biv was nowhere to be seen. There was no hoorah in this moment. One of my girl friends found my phone while I was trying to gather myself and called the guy I had just met. She threatened to call the police, but we didn’t. He texted me the day after and apologized, saying he didn’t realize he went too far. I just deleted his text and his number from my life. For a long time, I couldn’t tell if it was me or it was him. I made the decision to go forward with it. I did say stop, but maybe I didn’t say it loud enough? Somethings are easier to just block out.

 

This was where a love and hate relationship manifested with Roy. I didn’t even plan to write about this moment in my life, I guess the truth does reveal itself and set you free. It took a blog and over a decade to finally revisit something that I couldn’t face. This is me taking back my power. This is me walking into restoration. This is me, healed. A line was crossed that day and it was not my fault. Neither, is it yours.

 

 I will have to continue another day as I unpack my relationship with Roy and how he brought me to life so often yet left me in moments of humiliation. He couldn’t co-exist with humility, brought on by difficulty. I will take this moment to say how grateful I am that LGBTQ issues are being discussed openly in schools, homes and churches. I know that many of my Christian peers and fellow believers feel incredibly uncomfortable by the fact that homosexuality is widely accepted. I ask you to look at it differently. To see the beauty that lies within a group of people who have been left in the darkness for so long. Little gay boys and girls now have examples to look up to. They have access to information and safety measures that will help them navigate the changes they are going through. Children don’t have to grow up gay in secret, all alone so their only way of learning or coming to grips with it, is by encounters with strangers. I blame no one for what happened to me, except the person involved. But I thank God that children today will not have to learn on their own, thru trial and error- subjecting themselves to a life of secret rendezvous. The light cannot shine on what is in the dark unless we take the light into the darkness or bring what is within it, to the light. Now that we are coming into the light, we have hope. There now stands an opportunity to express your faithfulness to Jesus Christ by how you love those that you couldn’t see before. You can see them now, for a reason.

person s hand with paints
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com

Message In a Bottle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Buried gold exists, if we can find the X. Or so I thought, as I went along the tide lines left high upon the shore. I dreamt of far off places and deserted islands. I checked every glass bottle for a letter just in case someone was lost. Green sea glass was in fact emeralds and if I caught fish with my net I could take them home and put them in fresh water.

“Salt water fish will die in fresh water,” some adult told me. They were right. Its not that I was a disobedient child, but I was very curious and always hopeful. Always hopeful until, you know? The abomination washed up on shore. I had nightmares in my youth that wasn’t about something I saw, but rather something I felt. It was this sinking feeling of hopelessness, that no matter what I did, I would be overcome. I’d wake in a cold sweat, my throat constricted and pulse racing.  That’s how the abomination made me feel whenever someone noticed it.

I didn’t name it, that big dark mass of I-don’t-even-know. It was named by a preacher man. He wasn’t talking to me, but he was talking about people who were like me. I understood that there were boys who acted like girls and they were Mahu. The way they lived on the outside was how I was living on the inside. I needed to keep it that way. I had no one else to tell me otherwise. There was no Rupaul’s Drag Race, Glee or other Gay “coming of age” shows. If God said it’s an abomination, then it is. That was when hope left my body.  It was like a candle blown out and with it went joy, hope, creativity and child-like wander. Everything from that point on was a show. I could recognize other empty vessels, glazed over eyes, and human facades ever since. Takes one to know one.

There I was at the shoreline, a now empty vessel in full bloom. The friendships of my childhood grew distant because it was clear that we were different. I wasn’t one of the boys and I wasn’t one of the girls either. The very friend I thought would understand my struggle, the one I KNEW could relate, didn’t know me anymore. Over the course of one summer, from elementary to intermediate, I lost so much. I tried to pretend as much as possible but as much as I tried to distance myself from the great mass, the more it grew. Like a sand ball, the more I pushed into it, the bigger it got. I now, was on a deserted island and completely alone.

I wasn’t ready to let anyone on the shoreline, I didn’t want them to see everything, like how big the abomination was. Having made it to the beach, I sat and released. The sand was used to salty tears by this time. A whisper in the wind landed on my ears and I saw my cousin. A cousin, whom I really wasn’t that close with. She was six years older than me and our relationship was okay. She was my cousin and that was it. I chased her with a broom once because she was a hormonal teenager and sometimes really mean. But she was a mother now and I, I was slowly dying. A whole bottle of pain pills was my plan, it didn’t seem so painful. It wasn’t a matter of how, but when. I knew why I saw her in my mind and I knew I had to talk to her. I wrote a letter and I put it in her purse during a visit.

I got a letter back.

That was the moment my cousin, became a pillar. I never thought my cousin was very book smart, she was pretty, she had nice things and street smarts. But that was one of the most eloquent and impactful messages I have ever read. I read it in private and felt a knot unravel. Her signature marked the spot and I found a treasure that continues to add value to my life every day. We didn’t talk about it face to face for a few years but finally someone knew, and they still loved me. She was going to be there whenever I was ready to bring her to my shoreline. I wasn’t alone in my secret.

The abomination, though it still stood, began to unravel just a bit. I could face it a little easier because help was just a phone call away when I was ready. Coming to terms with who I was, led to serious mental health issues and deep depression. When you are in it deep, it can seem impossible to get out. This was my first step and the nightly panic attacks started to wane shortly after. Like I said before, we are never alone. If it wasn’t for that whisper at the beach, the churning in my stomach that said “THIS, DO THIS!”. I don’t know where I would have been or what I would have done. If love didn’t meet me where I was, as I was. If a cousin didn’t become an angel in a moment of despair, a message of hope and a life vest.

The Holy Spirit is called the comforter, an intercessor and an advocate to name a few. He was the other presence, always there with me whether I believed Him or not.

If you are in the depths of an internal struggle. Let someone know. I pray that the great comforter, the spirit of God, also comfort and guide you. I pray that He sends the right people into your life at the right time.

 We can’t unravel somethings on our own. My email is listed if you need to talk.

 

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