Roy G Biv

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eventually my time at the shoreline came to an end. I no longer needed to run from myself, from the abomination – as it was called. A handful of family members now knew about this part of me. I had a foot out of the closet. Something was welling up inside of me and I knew I would be okay. That’s when I met Roy G Biv.

 

If Pinocchio had Jiminy Cricket, I had Roy. G Biv. I will use the “he” pronoun but he was neither female or male. He was this very attractive, colorful, vibrant and loud being. Fearless and carefree. He was the opposite of who I was. He pulled me out of the closet and helped me accept the fact, that the abomination was nothing to be afraid of. It was just a part of me and it made me special. I started to come out to my friends. I started to become louder and more colorful just like him. I wasn’t afraid of self- expression or ashamed of the new friends I had begun to make, some of whom were more colorful than myself. Roy G Biv was the Sasha Fierce to my Beyonce. He gave me a beat, he brought out my rhythm and I found my groove. My last two years of high school was a blast, considering I was a gay boy in a predominantly Mormon community. Still, I could not wait to get out and finally show my true colors to the world.

 

A 1 ½ half hour drive is all it takes to get from Kahuku to Manoa, on a good day. Manoa is about 40 miles away, which is not very far to most people. But to me, a small town and very sheltered boy, this was epic. This was the city and it was the furthest from my family and smaller-minded people that I could get at that moment( no offense). I listed my major as biology, I moved into my dorm and everyone thought I was going to become a successful college graduate. Honestly, I just wanted to be free. Roy could not stand the town I grew up in. It was offensive. I was out to some people, but not my parents. Parents knew, I was sure, but I never spoke it. It was easier to just be far away, on the other side of the island. I needed to breathe! So, I exhaled the biggest sigh of relief, the day I moved in to the dormitory.

 

Making friends over night was the best feeling in the world. It was so easy now that I embraced all that Roy G Biv brought to my life. I didn’t have to come out to anyone, they just knew the moment they called me friend. It was the greatest and most gratifying feeling in the world. I was finally so alive. It happened very quickly, from the start of my freshmen year in college to the point I lost interest in school. Class was in session, but it wasn’t Algebra or English 100. I wanted to learn and experience as much as I could about who I was. I was so naïve and incredibly fresh to this world. Roy, I thought was the angel on my shoulder telling me to push the limits and try new things. So I did.

 

When I was 17 years old, I had a major moment with God alone. I knew that according to the bible, the lifestyle I would live was not in alignment to His will. He was always my first love and it felt like I was going to say Good bye. I promised to Him, to keep my virginity until I met someone worth marrying even if it wasn’t allowed. It was the most I could do for Him. It was always my plan and my agreement. It was inspired by choices I knew or at least thought, my mother made before marrying my dad. I didn’t understand why he would allow me to be this way if it was against his will, but I would try and honor Him as much as possible.

 

Everyone wants love, right? My friends were shacking up with their boyfriends or girlfriends. People got married and I would often listen to the stories of other people’s sexual encounters. Almost everyone had a story, except for me. I didn’t even make it up to bat yet, much less hit a homerun. I had no intention of running all the bases, like I said. So here I was, at 18 years old and carrying on with a gentleman I met online. I was so naïve, I thought this was love. Our first encounter in person unwrapped so quickly that I didn’t even know what was going on. Roy was there pushing me on. You only live once Josh! First base, check. Second base, check. Third base, okay. Sliding into home base, NO! Stop!

 

The moment you feel your innocence leave your body forcefully is painful.

 

I was able to stop him from continuing and I left immediately. But it was to late. I drove to my dormitory heaving inside. I could not stop crying. I felt so dirty. I jumped into the shower, I brushed my teeth 3 times. I gargled with Listerine until my mouth was on fire. I grabbed my bible and I went to the roof top where I just unloaded every bit of liquid I had left in my tear ducts. This was not what I imagined. My friends found me, they figured out that something had happened by the way I ran pass them downstairs. They knew where I went and when I came back looking the way I did, they knew it wasn’t right. Roy G Biv was nowhere to be seen. There was no hoorah in this moment. One of my girl friends found my phone while I was trying to gather myself and called the guy I had just met. She threatened to call the police, but we didn’t. He texted me the day after and apologized, saying he didn’t realize he went too far. I just deleted his text and his number from my life. For a long time, I couldn’t tell if it was me or it was him. I made the decision to go forward with it. I did say stop, but maybe I didn’t say it loud enough? Somethings are easier to just block out.

 

This was where a love and hate relationship manifested with Roy. I didn’t even plan to write about this moment in my life, I guess the truth does reveal itself and set you free. It took a blog and over a decade to finally revisit something that I couldn’t face. This is me taking back my power. This is me walking into restoration. This is me, healed. A line was crossed that day and it was not my fault. Neither, is it yours.

 

 I will have to continue another day as I unpack my relationship with Roy and how he brought me to life so often yet left me in moments of humiliation. He couldn’t co-exist with humility, brought on by difficulty. I will take this moment to say how grateful I am that LGBTQ issues are being discussed openly in schools, homes and churches. I know that many of my Christian peers and fellow believers feel incredibly uncomfortable by the fact that homosexuality is widely accepted. I ask you to look at it differently. To see the beauty that lies within a group of people who have been left in the darkness for so long. Little gay boys and girls now have examples to look up to. They have access to information and safety measures that will help them navigate the changes they are going through. Children don’t have to grow up gay in secret, all alone so their only way of learning or coming to grips with it, is by encounters with strangers. I blame no one for what happened to me, except the person involved. But I thank God that children today will not have to learn on their own, thru trial and error- subjecting themselves to a life of secret rendezvous. The light cannot shine on what is in the dark unless we take the light into the darkness or bring what is within it, to the light. Now that we are coming into the light, we have hope. There now stands an opportunity to express your faithfulness to Jesus Christ by how you love those that you couldn’t see before. You can see them now, for a reason.

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Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com

Littered shorelines and pearly shells

I grew up within walking distance of a secluded stretch of shoreline. It rested on the other side of a golf course and we would often refer to our campsites by what hole it aligned with, like the 7th hole. The white sand stretched between two rocky points and little islands of Naupaka shrubs dotted the landscape. This was and remains a special place to many of us.

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This was my sanctuary for a good part of my life. As a child I was always amazed at the amount of treasure along the shoreline. I could spend hours sifting through plastic bottles, fishing line, nets, drift wood and sea shells. I had no concept of pollution at that point. The Great Pacific Garbage Patch was still in its infancy and so was I. At the north end of the beach were slabs of rock and reef that would expose themselves at low tide. Carved in the stone were the names of people come before, many of whom I recognized. There was always so much to be discovered here. There was always so much beauty.

Our lives are like this shoreline. It is expansive, it is beautiful, full of memories, experiences, and trash – yup, years and years of accumulated debris. As a teenager this place become an escape, a temporary respite from the war within my soul. I would always find myself called to her sandy, plastic filled shoreline, much like the Japanese fishing gear would. We had a lot in common. We were inherently beautiful creations, sometimes battered by winds, taunted by rising tides, an ever-changing glorious mess of pearly shells and plastic pieces. I would walk here, sit down and cry. The tide would rise within me and finally push its way out. I too was often overcome by salty water.

We are never, at any point in our existence- pristine. The sandy shores of our lives have both the beautiful remnants of those come before and the litter of a thousand stories. As children, we see everything as new, shiny and precious. The brown cowry shell and the plastic floaters. The limu(seaweed) and the fishing lines. As we grow and come to know the differences, we understand that somethings were meant to be found there and others weren’t. Some were divinely created, and others were from the world. So, it became clear to me as a teenager that I had much more litter then I could bare. A giant mass had accumulated beyond the reef and made its way to my shoreline. It demanded my attention. I saw it as a child, I knew it was always there- on the horizon. I had hoped it would never come to close.

It was called an abomination.

I couldn’t go near it, I tried to ignore it and I prayed and prayed and prayed that it would go away. But like the shoreline, I had no control over what would wash up over the course of time. So, we would sit together. The waves running along it’s face and the tears running down mine. Why me? How can I hide something so big that it’s weight influenced my speech, my gait and my heart? Everyone will see it. I don’t even know how to explain it.

The younger children at church would sometimes ask me if I was a girl or a boy and it would piss me off. Obviously, I was a boy, I think. I liked Voltron and transformers. I played with G.I. Joe. But sometimes, I wanted a My Little Pony and when no one was looking I would take my cousin Maine into the bathroom and play with Barbies. I always knew it was there looming, but how dare anyone talk about it. I had friends who were boys and we did boy things. But I dreamt of other things. I liked blue and pink equally. I liked chasing chickens and catching butterflies. I had dreams of He-man rescuing me from danger. Dreams of being Gem and the holograms. But don’t you dare call attention to it. I avoided preschoolers because they could see it, they would ask to much questions. They were always peering into my shoreline, looking at the abomination wanting to poke at it. Leave it alone and it will go away. Damn kids.

How could a piece of shoreline have so much in common with me? It is not even human. Yet, we would sit together. When my tears would subside, the waves were still rolling in. The wind was still howling amongst the brush. The littered shoreline remained, and the abomination still stood amongst the dunes of my life. However, another presence would always appear as my heart settled and my eyes dried. I couldn’t see it, but I could feel it. I felt it in the wind as it touched my face. I felt its vibration over the roaring waves. It felt like glittering sunlight falling down my head, radiating out my arms and down my legs. I would forget the mess and the accumulated debris piles. I would see a humpback whale, a turtle or a passing cloud and think, Man! This is all so beautiful. I was so grateful to be here with you.

He knew. He knew it all along. He knew about the mass out at sea and how it would wash up on my shoreline. He knew who I was, more than I could have ever known. I would sit alone on the shore line, picking thru the pieces of litter that overwhelmed my life. However, I would always leave knowing that I was, in fact, never alone. You see, He was the one who brought the shoreline and I together. We had more in common than our inherent beauty. We had more in common than being a gathering place of the worlds waste. We were both created by Him. His footsteps graced the sands of both our existences. He walked them before I did. He planted the tree and laid the hinahina out as a carpet. He painted the cowry shell and poured out the sand. He fed the fish and gave light for the algae. He knew I would meet Him there, because I couldn’t see him anywhere else. He used the shoreline to reveal his creative force and the love He had for me.

The abomination still stood and every time I couldn’t bare it, I would come to the shoreline. It was my church. My place of worship. I had no control over the things I had to face, like whatever would grace my shoreline, but I became aware of His presence. Between that time and now, He invited people into my life and little by little they helped me unravel the mass – the abomination that came to my shore. I can’t wait to tell you how it evolved. It has been many years since these moments, but the lessons still live in my spirit. I accumulated more debris, but I had so much help clearing it. There are more pearly shells and glittering sea glass now. Life is beautiful, it is a gift and no matter what washes up on our shoreline we are never alone. We were spoken into existence and we are inherently beautiful. Waves may crash, and the sea might rise but His love endures forever and ever. He loves you and so do I.

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